He was so far gone by now, that I ventured (in the capacity of medical adviser) to speak to him about it.
It's not the liquor, Dr. Munro, sir," said he earnestly. It's the ---- relaxing air of this town. But I'll go home and lie I'll down, and be as fresh as paint to welcome my guests."
But the excitement of the impending event must have been too much for him. When I arrived at five minutes to seven, Turpey, the wounded lieutenant, met me in the hall with a face of ill omen.
"It's all up with Whitehall," said he.
"What's the matter?"
"Blind, speechless and paralytic. Come and look."
The table in his room was nicely laid for dinner, and several decanters with a large cold tart lay upon the sideboard. On the sofa was stretched our unfortunate host, his head back, his forked beard pointing to the cornice, and a half finished tumbler of whisky upon the chair beside him. All our shakes and shouts could not break in upon that serene drunkenness.
"What are we to do?" gasped Turpey.
"We must not let him make an exhibition of himself. We had better get him away before any one else arrives."
So we bore him off, all in coils and curves like a dead python, and deposited him upon his bed. When we returned three other guests had arrived.
"You'll be sorry to hear that Whitehall is not very well," said Turpey. Dr. Munro thought it would be better that he should not come down."
"In fact, I have ordered him to bed," said I.
"Then I move that Mr. Turpey be called upon to act as host," said one of the new comers; and so it was at once agreed.
Presently the other men arrived; but there was no sign of the dinner. We waited for a quarter of an hour, but nothing appeared. The landlady was summoned, but could give no information.
"Captain Whitehall ordered it from a confectioner's, sir," said she, in reply to the lieutenant's cross- examination. "He did not tell me which confectioner's. It might have been any one of four or five. He only said that it would all come right, and that I should bake an apple tart."
Another quarter of an hour passed, and we were all ravenous. It was evident that Whitehall had made some mistake. We began to roll our eyes towards the apple pie, as the boat's crew does towards the boy in the stories of shipwreck. A large hairy man, with an anchor tattooed upon his hand, rose and set the pie in front of Turpey.
"What d'you say, gentlemen,--shall I serve it out?"
We all drew up at the table with a decision which made words superfluous. In five minutes the pie dish was as clean as when the cook first saw it. And our ill-luck vanished with the pie. A minute later the landlady's son entered with the soup; and cod's head, roast beef, game and ice pudding followed in due succession. It all came from some misunderstanding about time. But we did them justice, in spite of the curious hors d'oeuvre with which we had started; and a pleasanter dinner or a more enjoyable evening I have seldom had.
"Sorry I was so bowled over, Dr. Munro, sir," said Whitehall next morning. "I need hilly country and a bracing air, not a ---- croquet lawn like this. Well, I'm ---- glad to hear that you gentlemen enjoyed yourselves, and I hope you found everything to your satisfaction."
I assured him that we did; but I had not the heart to tell him about the apple pie.
I tell you these trivial matters, my dear Bertie, just to show you that I am not down on my luck, and that my life is not pitched in the minor key altogether, in spite of my queer situation. But, to turn to graver things: I was right glad to get your letter, and to read all your denunciations about dogmatic science. Don't imagine that my withers are wrung by what you say, for I agree with almost every word of it.
The man who claims that we can know nothing is, to my mind, as unreasonable as he who insists that everything has been divinely revealed to us. I know nothing more unbearable than the complacent type of scientist who knows very exactly all that he does know, but has not imagination enough to understand what a speck his little accumulation of doubtful erudition is when compared with the immensity of our ignorance.