Jane Annie Comic Opera by James Matthew Barrie and Arthur Conan Doyle
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act I
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act II
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act II
SCENE. – Golf green near the school. River at back. BAB, a prisoner, is walking up and down in CADDIE’s charge.
SONG.
CADDIE :
A page-boy am I
That young ladies decry,
Yes, yes, dears, you do, for I hear yer;
But it’s little you know
The volcanoes that glow
Inside of this little exterior.
Oh, you wouldn’t deride,
Could you step inside
Of this here pocket edition,
And, striking a light,
Perceive that this mite
Is on fire with a grand ambition. [22]
BAB :
But at present the buttons he’s wearing,
And he’s taking me out for an airing.
(Walks up and down.)
CADDIE :
My wife I shall choose
From the class called the Blues,
Whose theory is that they hates men,
Of birthplaces galore
I mean to have more
Than him wot’s the eminent statesman.
A peerage I’ll take
For my progeny’s sake,
To refuse it I think would be shabby,
And I ask poor and rich
To my funeral, which
Will be held in Westminster Abbey.
Oh, you wouldn’t deride, etc.
Cries of “Fore! Fore!”
BAB : The girls are playing golf. (She holds up flag.)
CADDIE : Girls! Poor summer flies!
BAB : Do let me play, Caddie.
CADDIE : It’s agin the Missus’ orders. I’m your jailer, I am, and Miss Sims’s words were: “Give the wench a little exercise, but never leave her for a moment, or she will be eloping again; and if she does,” said she, “you just pull the big fire bell.”
BAB : But why not let me elope, Caddie? See, I go on my knees to you. (Kneels.)
CADDIE : Get up! Get up!
BAB (rising) : Cold, relentless! You have never loved!
CADDIE : Have I not? By gum! [23]
BAB : You in love. With whom?
CADDIE (sadly) : It’s all over for ever, no more.
BAB : She jilted you?
CADDIE : Well, it came to the same thing, I jilted her.
BAB : Why?
CADDIE : I wanted a bigger one.
BAB : And have you got a bigger one?
CADDIE : I have.
BAB : Whom?
CADDIE (pointing off stage) : You see that agreeable circumference coming this way?
BAB : Yes.
CADDIE : Well, that’s my new one.
BAB : Jane Annie!
BAB goes sadly up stage. A golf ball lands on green, CADDIE pockets it. Enter JANE ANNIE with golf club. She looks for her ball. CADDIE looks longingly at her and sighs aloud.
CADDIE : My charmer!
JANE ANNIE : Caddie, did you see my ball?
CADDIE : No, Miss, no balls have come this way.
JANE ANNIE : It is a strange thing that when you are acting as caddie nearly all our balls get lost.
CADDIE : Yes, Miss.
JANE ANNIE : And what is stranger still, those same lost balls are afterwards offered us for sale at your mother’s shop in the village.
CADDIE : Ah, it be a puzzling world, Miss.
JANE ANNIE (putting her hand in his pocket and producing ball) : Now it seems to me that this is my ball.
CADDIE : Extraordinary thing!
JANE ANNIE : How did it get there?
CADDIE : You must have played it into my pocket, Miss.
JANE ANNIE : Fibber! I feel sure that it fell dead just on the edge of the hole – here. (Puts ball close to hall.)
CADDIE : No, Miss, now that you mention the circumstance, I recollect that I picked it out of the bunker.
JANE ANNIE : Pooh! nonsense!
CADDIE : Is this fair, Miss?
JANE ANNIE : Of course it’s fair, so long as nobody sees me. Besides, I’m told they often do it at Felixstowe. [24] Why, even Mr. Balf- (CADDIE signs silence to her, pointing to private box as if fearful lest they should be overheard. Exit CADDIE.)
BAB : Sneak!
JANE ANNIE : Are you a prisoner, Bab?
BAB : Yes, thanks to you. I shall tell everybody how good you have been. (Sits down on rug.)
JANE ANNIE : How hateful of you to threaten to take away my character.
BAB : Goody! Goody! Goody!
JANE ANNIE (sitting down beside BAB) : I’m not really good.
BAB : Yes, you are. You sha’n’t sit on my rug. (Pulls it away.) Why, you promised last night to be dreadfully naughty to-day, so as to make up for your goodness of the past six months, and here you are as shamelessly good as ever.
JANE ANNIE : You do me an injustice. The fun is about to begin. Early this morning I hypnotized our dear mistress, and made her write the most dreadful letters. [25] Just fancy, two of them were invitations to Tom and Jack to come and bring as many male friends with them as they could get together. She has not the least idea of what she has done, of course! Ha! ha!
BAB : But why have you done this?
JANE ANNIE : So that in the confusion Tom and Jack may carry off the girl of their heart.
BAB : But I can only marry one of them.
JANE ANNIE : Yes, but I can marry the other.
BAB : You! But I haven’t selected mine yet. That is my difficulty.
JANE ANNIE : No, but I have! That removes your difficulty.
BAB : You toad!
JANE ANNIE : The one I have chosen is Jack.
BAB : Jack! Does he know?
JANE ANNIE : No, I am keeping it a surprise for him.
BAB : I don’t believe a word you have said.
JANE ANNIE : You can have my aid if you will promise to take Tom and leave Jack for me. You can’t elope without my aid.
BAB : I shall.
JANE ANNIE : You sha’n’t!
BAB : Goody! Goody! Goody!
Cries of “Fore! Fore!” are heard, and a ball lands on the green.
JANE ANNIE : The girls.
BAB : Goody! Goody! Goody!
GIRLS enter in golf costume. JANE ANNIE, ROSE, MEG, and MILLY are playing a foursome; the others are looking on. CADDIE accompanies them as caddie. [26]
CHORUS OF GIRLS :
To golf is staid for bashful maid,
So our schoolmistress thinks,
That’s why, ’tis said, Queen Mary played
On famed St. Andrew’s links.
BAB (holding up her club) : Niblick! }
JANE ANNIE (holding up her club) : Driver! }
MILLY (holding up her club) : Putter! }
MEG (holding up her club) : Brassy! }
BAB : One up!
JANE ANNIE : Two to play!
ALL :
We play the game as that Scotch lassie,
Mary, used to play.
This verse is sung with spirit; the second dejectedly.
GIRLS : The game was gay in Mary’s day, Her foursomes were not lonely, Maybe ’cause they had not to play On greens for ladies only!
BAB (as before) : Niblicks!
JANE ANNIE (as before) : Drivers!
MILLY (as before) : Putters!
MEG (as before) : Brassies!
BAB : One up!
JANE ANNIE : Two to play!
GIRLS :
For partners we have only lassies,
Which was not Mary’s way.
MEG plays at hole and misses. CADDIE chuckles.
JANE ANNIE : You have flung away the hole.
ROSE plays at hole and misses. CADDIE grins.
MILLY : Silly! (ROSE weeps. MILLY plays into hole.) Hurrah! Rose and I have done this hole in seventeen! [27]
Enter MISS SIMS.
MISS SIMS : Young ladies, as it is the last day of the term our rules may be a little relaxed.
MILLY : Oh, you dear kind thing!
MISS SIMS : Except in the case of Bab, who must remain a prisoner all day.
BAB : Oh! Oh! Oh!
MISS SIMS : So we shall admit some men to to-day’s festivities.
ALL : Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
MISS SIMS : But not real men.
ROSE : Boys?
MILLY : Oh, I’m going to bed!
MISS SIMS : No, but half of you may be permitted for this day only to assume the character of men. It will be quite as amusing.
ALL (dismally) : Oh!
MISS SIMS : And very much safer.
MILLY (brightening) : Perhaps this game will provide an answer to a question in deportment which has often puzzled me. It is this. Suppose a gentleman were to put his arm round me, what would be the right thing for me to do? [28]
ROSE : The right thing would be to scream.
MILLY : No. I think the right thing would be not to let on, so that he shouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing that you noticed it.
BAB : I know what I should do if a man put his arm round me – I would stand still.
MISS SIMS : Shameless! And what would you do, Jane Annie?
JANE ANNIE : I would run to you, madam, for protection.
MISS SIMS (fondling her). Dear Jane Annie! (To girls.) Now go.
Exeunt girls. BAB goes last in charge of CADDIE.
MISS SIMS : Now, Jane Annie, dear, there is something strange I want to speak to you about. You remember when you left me in the study this morning?
JANE ANNIE : Yes, Miss Sims.
MISS SIMS : Well, I must have dropped asleep immediately afterwards, and I had the oddest dreams.
JANE ANNIE (chuckles, but assumes an air of sympathy as MISS SIMS turns towards her) : Dreams, Miss Sims?
MISS SIMS : Oh, the strangest dreams! I seemed to be writing such a number of letters, but what they were about I cannot imagine.
JANE ANNIE : Of course it was all fancy!
MISS SIMS : But ten envelopes were missing when I woke.
JANE ANNIE : No!
MISS SIMS : And my fingers were quite inky. I do hope I have not done anything foolish in my sleep.
JANE ANNIE : I hope not.
MISS SIMS : Especially just now, while the Proctor is here.
JANE ANNIE : Why specially while he is here?
MISS SIMS : Ah, Jane Annie, he and I were once – (Sighs.) [29]
JANE ANNIE : No, were you?
MISS SIMS : I assure you he often – (Sighs.)
JANE ANNIE : Did he? Where?
MISS SIMS : In the conservatory.
JANE ANNIE : Just where they do it to-day.
MISS SIMS : But, alas! he – (Sighs.)
JANE ANNIE : How horrid of him.
MISS SIMS : And so his presence here makes me think of early days when – (Sighs.)
JANE ANNIE : Naturally.
SONG.
MISS SIMS :
A girl again I seem to be,
Though I’m an old schoolmistress grey;
Again a boy comes courting me,
Though he’s a hard-faced man to-day.
He calls me little golden-head,
I feel his kisses on my brow,
I still recall the words he said,
Though I’m an old schoolmistress now,
Youth dreams of what’s to be, I ween,
The future’s always far away;
But age must dream of what has been,
The past is always yesterday.
We meet, but he does not recall
The golden head, the love-lit eyes;
Our meetings and our partings all
To him are less than memories.
He twits the old schoolmistress prim,
Forgetful of his broken vow,
And that she owes it all to him
That she’s an old schoolmistress now.
Youth dreams of what’s to be, I ween, etc.
MISS SIMS is retiring up stage. She returns excitedly.
MISS SIMS : There is a party of those impertinent Press Students coming sown the river, who look as if they intended to land upon our bank.
JANE ANNIE (in horror) : Oh, surely it cannot be. (Aside with exultation.) The result of letter number one.
MISS SIMS : Let us go and fetch Caddie to protect us. [30]
Exeunt MISS SIMS and JANE ANNIE. Song of Oarsmen heard in the distance and coming nearer.
BARCAROLLE.
PRESS STUDENTS :
Where the willows shade the river,
Where the leaning rushes quiver,
Where the water weeds are shining,
Some enfolding, some entwining,
There we go! Cheerily oh!
Eight like one we dip and feather!
Steadily now! Stroke and bow!
Pulling along and all together!
They land, TOM among them.
Enter MISS SIMS, JANE ANNIE, and CADDIE.
MISS SIMS (shrinking from them) : The wretches! (To CADDIE.) Order them to go at once, Caddie.
CADDIE (turning up his sleeves fiercely) : Come now, you had best go quietly.
TOM : What does this sprat mean?
CADDIE : Sprat! Summer flies! Now, look here, are you going quietly, or must I chuck the blooming lot of you into the river?
TOM : There is some mistake, madam – we came here by invitation.
CADDIE : Look here, I know that game.
MISS SIMS : Impossible! By whose invitation?
TOM (producing letter) : By yours – here is your letter. (Hands it to her.)
JANE ANNIE (aside) : Exquisite!
MISS SIMS (reading) : “Dear Mr. Tom, as I have seen you in the neighbourhood of my school more than once, I venture to ask whether you will do me the honour of attending a garden party which I am giving to my girls this afternoon. I want to show them a little life. Please bring a few of those pleasant Press Students, and be sure to come in cap and gown. It will be a free and easy affair. My girls join me in sending love, and I am yours sincerely, Dinah Sims.” Oh!
CADDIE (shocked) : Well, of all the – ! The old girl is coming out of her hegg at last. (Exit.)
MISS SIMS : Oh, Jane Annie, is it not dreadful? I could not have written such a letter.
JANE ANNIE : Well, it is certainly in your writing.
TOM (aside) : Now to look for Bab. (Exit.)
Enter CADDIE.
CADDIE : If you please, ma’am, the man has come with the Scotch whisky.
MISS SIMS : Whisky! there is some mistake. I never ordered any.
CADDIE : Why, ma’am, you sent me this morning with a letter to the wine-merchant, ordering two dozen of whisky and one dozen of soda.
MISS SIMS : Oh, this is too much!
CADDIE : That’s what I thought, ma’am, too much whisky and not enough soda.
Exit MISS SIMS.
1ST STUD. : We were invited – and we’ll stay.
ALL : Certainly. (Sit down in a determined manner.)
CADDIE (to JANE ANNIE) : See here, Miss, I have knocked about a bit in my time, and it strikes me that you have been doing something fishy.
JANE ANNIE : Go away!
CADDIE : What’s more, I have the responsibility of this here seminary on my shoulders, and I’ll find out what you’ve been up to, and expose you, if you don’t –
JANE ANNIE : Don’t what?
CADDIE : If you don’t chuck us a kiss.
JANE ANNIE : There! (Slaps his face.)
CADDIE (puzzled) : See here now, is that flirting, or ain’t it?
JANE ANNIE : It “ain’t.”
CADDIE : Then drop it – and give us a kiss.
JANE ANNIE : Sha’n’t!
CADDIE : This is the last time of asking. You’ll never have such a chance again.
JANE ANNIE : There! (Slaps him.)
CADDIE : Summer flies! Now for revenge. (Exit.)
JANE ANNIE : It’s all very well to laugh, but he is quite capable of doing what he threatens, and so I – I think I had better give him a kiss. (Exit after CADDIE.)
Cries of “Fore!” and two golf balls land on the putting green. The balls are followed by some of the GIRLS, who look self-consciously at the STUDENTS. The STUDENTS look very sheepish.
1ST STUD. : Speak to them, Christopherson.
2ND STUD. : Say something nice, Tippy.
3RD STUD. : I can’t think of anything nice to say.
2ND STUD. : Well, then, let us look nice. (All simper.)
MILLY : Are you men?
STUDENTS : Eh, what? We are. Oh, yes, certainly, certainly.
MILLY : So are we.
1ST STUD. : Eh?
MILLY : You see, Miss Sims, our mistress, has invented a new game for us. Half of our number are to be men for to-day, and to entertain the other half.
2ND STUD. : But where’s the other half?
MILLY : Oh, that was the difficulty. You see, we all wanted to be men, so there is no other half.
2ND STUD. : You’re all men, then?
MILLY : Yes, and we don’t know what to do for girls.
3RD STUD. : A gentlemen will do anything to oblige a lady, will not he, friends?
ALL : Certainly.
3RD STUD. : Then, let us be girls.
MILLY : Delightful, and we’ll be students.
The GIRLS put on the caps and gowns of the STUDENTS, and swagger about in a manly way. The STUDENTS look shy and mincing.
MILLY (to 1ST STUDENT) : Ah, ah, ah! What are these things you are carrying?
1ST STUD. (consciously) : Ah, ah, ha! Kodaks.
MILLY : Ah – ah – no!
1ST STUD. : Ah – ah – yes! (They giggle and MILLY runs to ROSE)
MILLY : Rose, you can’t guess how I have been flirting with that dark one.
1ST STUD. (to 2ND STUDENT) : I say, old man, I have been going the pace with little blue eyes.
ROSE : I haven’t felt so wicked since I ate twelve penny tarts at a sitting. [31]
2ND STUD. (to 1ST STUDENT) : He, he, he! my one asked me what time it was. Oh, what a lark!
MILLY (hysterically, swaggering) : Glass of beer, waiter – have a weed? How are you, old man? – Glass of beer – have a weed? – how are you, old man? Have a weed – glass of beer. Oh, Jenny, isn’t it splendid? Glass of beer – have a weed? –
MAUD : Control yourself, dear.
MILLY : I can’t! This cloak has gone to my head. Glass of beer-
PROCTOR rushes in accompanied by BULLDOGS. He cries “Name and College!” The STUDENTS rush off, the GIRLS all turn their backs.
PROCTOR : Now, I’ve got you. There’s no mistake this time, at any rate. (Takes out note-book.) Name and college, sir?
GIRLS : Smith of Olds, Jones of New, Brown of New, etc.
PROCTOR (pompously) : Now, Gentlemen of the Press, I have got you. For weeks you have followed me with your impertinent note-books and Kodaks. I shall gate the lot of you!
They all rush off laughing, having taken off their caps, and reveal themselves as girls.
PROCTOR : There now! I knew they were girls all the time.
SIM : Of course, if you say so that is sufficient.
GREG : Fudge!
PROCTOR : Hum! Well, perhaps I did make a mistake this time.
SIM : No, no.
PROCTOR : And that no one may say that there is one law for the humble Undergraduate and another for the great Proctor, I hereby fine myself one shilling.
SIM : There’s a sense of justice, Greg!
PROCTOR : And I shall pay it after my usual fashion.
SIM and GREG : Don’t!
PROCTOR : Namely by proxy. Come, my men, a sixpence each.
They pay reluctantly.
GREG : Da – da – da –
SIM : Greg, forbear.
GREG : It seems to me that we do nine-tenths of the work and you get nine-tenths of the pay.
SIM : Oh, this dashed independence!
PROCTOR : Well, you can’t expect to get both the work and the pay. They never go together, even in our Government offices.
GREG : Then they should.
SIM : Greg, Greg! you are flying in the face of the law of England.
GREG : I say it’s a da – da – da –
SIM : Greg!
PROCTOR : This discussion is getting hot. Perhaps I had better clear the air with a song, the little thing that you two composed.
GREG : But we composed it about ourselves.
PROCTOR : It suits me better than you. But I am willing to pay for it.
SIM : There’s generosity.
PROCTOR : I will pay for it by prox –
SIM and GREG : You can have it for nothing.
PROCTOR : Thank you,
The music for song is started, PROCTOR hesitates, yawns.
PROCTOR : No, it is too great a fag. You shall sing it for me instead.
GREG : At last!
SIM : Always considerate!
PROCTOR : But remember, you are to sing it about me – not about yourselves.
GREG : Da –
SIM : Hush!
TRIO.
BULLDOGS and PROCTOR :
When I was a – when he was a little child
Only two or three,
All the household went quite wild
Out of love for – he.
Cooks and housemaids came to kiss,
Crowding for their duty,
And the reason for all of this,
Was our – my – his too – too – too –
His too fatal beauty.
When I was a – when he was a little man,
Only just of age,
Off to London then he ran,
And became the rage.
High and low they loved us so – him so,
And claimed him for their booty;
And the reason well I know,
Was our – was my – was his too – too – too –
His too – too fatal beauty.
DANCE.
PROCTOR takes the applause meant for BULLDOGS and exit.
SIM : You can say it now, Greg.
GREG : —–!
BULLDOGS exeunt arm in arm, R.
Enter OFFICERS and JACK.
MILITARY CHORUS. – JACK and OFFICERS.
OFFICERS : We are conscious that we slightly condescend,
JACK : Right turn!
OFFICERS : But we couldn’t go and disoblige a friend,
JACK : Left turn!
OFFICERS:
Yet it’s infra dig., you see,
For such warriors as we
To come out to cakes and tea
At a school.
JACK : Stand at ease!
JACK : Now a midnight oyster supper would be nice,
OFFICERS : Very nice!
JACK : Or anything with just a touch of vice;
OFFICERS : Just a spice
JACK :
But coming fresh, you know,
From slaughtering the foe,
It’s just a trifle slow
At a school!
OFFICERS : Mark time
OFFICERS : Now a midnight oyster supper would be nice,
JACK : Right turn!
OFFICERS : Or anything with just a touch of vice;
JACK : Left turn!
OFFICERS :
But coming fresh, you know,
From slaughtering the foe,
It’s just a trifle slow
At a school!
JACK : Dress line!
JACK : Yet from the invitation it is clear,
OFFICERS : Quite clear!
JACK : There are maids whose leisure moments we may cheer;
OFFICERS : Hear! Hear!
JACK :
So as a soldier brave
Is ever beauty’s slave,
We had a wash and shave,
And we’ve come!
OFFICERS : Yet from the invitation it is clear,
JACK : Left turn!
OFFICERS : There are maids whose leisure moments we may cheer;
JACK : Right turn!
OFFICERS :
So as a soldier brave
Is ever beauty’s slave,
We had a wash and shave,
And we’ve come!
JACK : Stand at ease!
Enter MISS SIMS and JANE ANNIE.
MISS SIMS : How dare you come here!
JACK : We come by invitation, madam. Haw!
MISS SIMS : Whose invitation?
JACK : Yours.
MISS SIMS : I invite you here! You are mad!
JACK : We had a letter from you. [32]
MISS SIMS (distracted) : Oh, these letters! (Talks aside to JANE ANNIE.)
JACK (to 1ST OFFICER) : Never mind her. I want you all to flirt outrageously with the other girls, and while Miss Sims is trying to stop you I shall bolt with Bab. Do you think you could do that, old man? (OFFICER Pulls his moustache confidently). Ask the others. (1ST OFFICER goes to other OFFICERS, who repeat business.)
Enter CADDIE.
CADDIE : Please, ma’am, the brass band is here.
MISS SIMS : Brass band!
CADDIE : Yes, ma’am, they say they had a letter from you. And the man has come with the bull-pups. [33]
MISS SIMS : Oh, I am going mad!
CADDIE : Yes, ma’am.
MISS SIMS : Let us go and lock the gates. (Exit excitedly.)
JANE ANNIE (to CADDIE) : Do let me kiss you, Caddie!
CADDIE : Too late! Revenge!
JANE ANNIE : But you wanted me to do it five minutes ago.
CADDIE : I was a boy then. (Exit.)
Enter some of the GIRLS from a boat.
JACK (to JANE ANNIE) : Do you know where my Bab is?
JANE ANNIE : Bother Bab!
JACK : Eh?
JANE ANNIE : I had such a nice dream about you, last night.
JACK : No, had you? Haw!
JANE ANNIE : Yes, I dreamt that you were to elope with me instead of with Bab.
JACK : Not if I know it.
JANE ANNIE : Perhaps you won’t know it at this time – but you’ll know it afterwards.
JACK (aside) : I dislike this girl very much.
JANE ANNIE (to GIRLS who are flirting with OFFICERS) : I have been left in charge to see that you all behave yourselves.
ROSE : Oh!
JANE ANNIE : You and I, Jack, will set them an example.
CONCERTED PIECE.
JANE ANNIE, JACK, GIRLS, OFFICERS, and STUDENTS.
JANE ANNIE :
You and I, dear Jack, will show
A most excellent example.
JACK :
Scarce can they in virtue grow,
If they take me for their sample.
JANE ANNIE. If you list to my advice,
Keep young men at a safe distance.
She draws JACK’s arm round her waist.
JACK :
This is strange, and yet it’s nice,
I shall offer no resistance.
ENSEMBLE.
GIRLS :
In accord with her advice,
We shall keep you at distance
OFFICERS :
This is strange, and yet it’s nice,
We shall offer no resistance.
Drawing OFFICERS’ arms round.
ALL : We/They have learned her/my precept pat,
We/They mustn’t do that! We/They mustn’t do that!
And so, of course, the sequence is,
We/They mustn’t do this! We/They mustn’t do this!
JANE ANNIE :
You and I will also show
A correct and sober bearing.
JACK :
Though her words are cold as snow,
Yet her glance is most ensnaring.
JANE ANNIE :
If you list to my advice,
You will never start off dancing.
(Dancing several steps.)
JACK :
Though she’s most severe on vice,
Yet her ways are most entrancing.
ENSEMBLE.
GIRLS :
In accord with her advice,
We shall never start off dancing.
OFFICERS :
Though she’s very hard on vice,
Yet her ways are most entrancing.
All dance.
ALL : We/They have learned her/my precept pat, etc.
Enter STUDENTS and other GIRLS.
OFFICERS :
What’s the meaning of all this?
Who are these who disconcert us?
STUDENTS :
Maidens this is much amiss,
Surely you would not desert us?
OFFICERS :
Beardless boys, you’d better go,
Your time hasn’t come, we vow.
STUDENTS :
Aged men, you’re most de trop,
Your time was, it’s over now.
CHORUS.
OFFICERS : Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?
GIRLS : Hey, dear, we haven’t got an answer!
OFFICERS : Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.
GIRLS : Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!
STUDENTS :
Maidens, we are fresh from college,
Smile upon us, we implore you!
Think of all the varied knowledge
In these heads which bow before you.
(All bow.)
OFFICERS :
Maidens, with our martial bearing
And our spurs, we ought to suit you;
Think of all the deeds of daring
Done with hands which now salute you.
(All salute.)
STUDENTS : Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?
GIRLS : Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!
OFFICERS : Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.
GIRLS : Hey, dear, this must be our answer!
GIRLS cross over to STUDENTS.
STUDENTS :
Maidens, you are wise in turning
Thus to those who most impress you;
You shall list to words of learning
From these lips which now caress you.
(Kiss them.)
OFFICERS :
Maidens, all their vows are idle.
Here to you our hands we proffer;
Fresh from sword-hilt and from bridle,
Here they are, and all on offer.
(Offer their hands.)
STUDENTS : Maidens, maidens, do not hesitate.
GIRLS : Hey, dear, we gave you both our answer!
OFFICERS : Maidens, maidens, what shall be our fate.
GIRLS : Hey, dear, we much prefer the Lancer!
GIRLS cross over and join OFFICERS. Music continues softly through following dialogue.
A STUD. : But this is absurd! We are all very distinguished men, or shall be some day. And then we are journalists, and can describe your dresses in the papers.
GIRLS : Oh! (Cross over to STUDENTS.)
JACK : But we shave twice a day.
A STUD. : Why, there is not of us who could not read Theocritus in the original.
JACK : But we are to give a dance next week.
MILLY : Oh, you dear things, how nice of you! (Cross to OFFICERS.)
DANCE. All exeunt except JACK.
JACK : And now to find Bab.
Enter TOM.
TOM : I can’t see my Bab anywhere. (Sees JACK) Hullo!
JACK : That fellow here!
TOM (shortly) : How are you?
JACK (shortly) : H’are you?
TOM (after a pause) : Very warm day.
JACK : Cold.
TOM : Cad!
JACK : What do you want here?
TOM : Private business.
JACK : Let us be plain with one another. How could you, a beggarly Press Student, support a wife?
TOM : How could you, a beggarly lieutenant?
JACK : But I am also a novelist – at least I’ve – I’ve bought a pound of sermon paper. Haw!
TOM : Well, I am also a dramatist. Why, I have a completed play in my pocket.
JACK : And a very good place for it too. Haw!
TOM : What is more, it has a strong literary flavour.
JACK : Don’t be afraid of that. They’ll knock it out in rehearsal. Haw!
TOM : Nonsense. It’s most original also.
JACK : That’ll damn it.
TOM : Originality damn a play! Why?
JACK : Because ours are a healthy-minded public, sir, and they won’t stand it. Haw!
TOM : It’s an Ibsenite play.
JACK : Then why not produce it at the Independent Theatre?
TOM : I did.
JACK : Well?
TOM : And it promised to be a great success; but, unfortunately, just when the leading man has to say, “What a noble apartment is this,” the nail came out and the apartment fell into the fireplace. [34]
Enter CADDIE and BAB : They walk back and forwards as before.
JACK (amazed) : Bab!
BAB : Oh, Jack! Oh, Tom!
CADDIE : Silence!
JACK : What does this mean?
BAB : I am a prisoner, he is giving me an airing.
CADDIE : Silence!
JACK (drawing his sword) : Promise not to interfere, or I shall run you through, by the bones of my ancestors!
CADDIE (aiming a catapult at him) : Advance another step and you are a dead man, so help my bob! [35]
JACK is discomfited, but TOM seizes CADDIE from behind, and they get him to the ground.
JACK : Promise!
CADDIE : I gives in! You have my word of honour! It’s your hole. (Mimicking JACK) Haw! (Exit CADDIE followed by TOM) [36]
JACK : My precious! The gates are locked, but we can cross the river.
BAB : I have been thinking that – I’m not sure whether it is you or Tom I prefer.
JACK : That is awkward.
BAB : Before I decide I want to ask you both two questions.
JACK : What are they?
BAB : First, why did my heart beat so violently last night?
JACK : It was because – because I am so worthy of its love. Haw!
BAB (aside) : H’m! Vanity!
JACK (aside) : Good answer I think. Hope I shall get round her wealthy papa as easily.
BAB : Second, will you still love me when I am old and wrinkled?
JACK (aside) : I question it. (Aloud.) Don’t talk of anything so unpleasant, dear. Let us try to think that we shall always be young and handsome.
BAB (aside) : I don’t like that answer.
JACK (aside) : I flatter myself I got out of that bunker very neatly.
TOM re-enters.
BAB : Now go, while I ask Tom.
JACK (aside) : She’s mine! Haw! Haw! (Exit.)
DUET. – BAB and TOM.
BAB :
Last night when we were forced to part
I heard a pit-a-pat
Upon the window of my heart-
Tom, tell me what was that?
Oh, tell me true,
For I’m a little maid,
Of all the world afraid.
TOM :
‘Twas my heart which would entrance win,
‘Twas ‘neath the window hiding,
You raised the sash, and said “Come in,”
And there it’s now residing.
BAB :
Tom, will your love grow cold to me
When silvered is my hair?
Or do you make believe that we
Shall aye be young and fair?
Oh, tell me true,
For I’m a little maid,
Of all the world afraid.
TOM :
Eternal youth’s for no one here,
That secret’s to discover;
But when you’re old and grey, my dear,
I still will be your lover.
BOTH :
I’ve/He’s told her/me true
This little maid
No longer is afraid.
Come joy or strife,
Come weal or woe,
Sunshine or stormy weather,
As man and wife
We’ll face the foe,
And face him thus together.
TOM : Oh, Bab – you will be my wife?
BAB : Yes, if you want me very, very much, Tom. [37]
Enter BULLDOGS and PROCTOR softly R. TOM sees them and flies L. BULLDOGS rush after him and exeunt.
BAB : Oh! (Jumps into PROCTOR’s arms.) Saved!
PROCTOR : Caught, you mean.
BAB : No, saved.
PROCTOR : Eh, what? I don’t understand.
BAB : I was only going with him because he promised to take me to you.
PROCTOR : To me?
BAB : Oh, I feel so safe now that I have reached you – you are so solid and satisfying, like a great plum pudding, you know.
PROCTOR : You mean well, my child, I have no doubt; but you have an unfortunate way of expressing yourself. (He puts arm round her. TOM rushes across stage and exit. He is followed by BULLDOGS. They stop when they see PROCTOR and BAB).
GREG : Hullo!
SIM : Ahem!
PROCTOR : What do you mean?
SIM : Beg pardon, but your arm you know – eh?
PROCTOR (fiercely) : What about my arm?
GREG : It is round – don’t you see?
PROCTOR : I do not.
GREG : Allow me. (Takes PROCTOR’s arm off BAB)
PROCTOR : Oh, thanks!
BAB : Oh, there is Miss Sims! Save me, Mr. Proctor!
PROCTOR : In here, quick! (Pushes BAB into arbour.) She is a nice girl. (To BULLDOGS.) Remember, you have not seen any girl here, if you are asked.
GREG : Not here! Why, she is in the arbour.
PROCTOR : There is no one in the arbour. What you see is – is an optical illusion. Furthermore, my orders to you are that you see no one in the arbour for the next half-hour, do you hear?
SIM : We – we hear.
PROCTOR (aside) : In half an hour I am sure I can convince Bab of the error of her ways. (Aloud.) And stop, if any one inquires for me, I am – I am – gathering flowers by the river’s brim. Do you – do you –
GREG : Twig?
PROCTOR : Yes, twig?
SIM and GREG : We twig.
PROCTOR : Good. (Goes to BAB)
GREG : Now, Sim, do you give him up?
SIM (after a struggle) : No!
Exeunt L., expostulating with each other.
BAB : I knew that you would save me.
PROCTOR : Yes, but you must me a good girl in future. You know it’s best in the long run.
BAB : Oh, how beautifully you talk!
PROCTOR : To be happy you must be good.
BAB : Yes, but to be awfully, dreadfully, excruciatingly happy, you must be naughty. But I am sure I should be good if Miss Sims would talk to me as you have done.
PROCTOR : Really! Do you mind my calling you Baby?
BAB : Not at all. May I call you Little One?
PROCTOR : Certainly. Do you know I feel a strange something creeping over me!
BAB : So do I.
PROCTOR : I like it!
BAB : So do I.
PROCTOR : Yum yum!
BAB : So do I.
DUET. – BAB and PROCTOR.
PROCTOR :
I’m a man of erudition,
And a scorner of frivolities,
With loftiest ambition,
And most domineering qualities.
The rowdiest grow meeker
When I fix them with this eye;
But I feel I’m growing weaker,
And I don’t know why –
No I don’t – not I.
I’m growing quite gelatinous, and can’t guess why.
BAB :
I’m just a little girlie,
Who still am in my teens, you know.
For love it’s much too early,
And I can’t guess what it means, you know.
But since I saw that simper,
And the twinkle of that eye,
I feel I’m growing limper,
And I can’t guess why –
No I can’t – not I.
I’m growing quite invertebrate, and can’t tell why.
PROCTOR :
I’ve a will that’s adamantine,
And my nerve is quite unshakable,
My strength is elephantine,
And my spirit is unbreakable,
I cow the flippant cabby,
I can make the coster cry,
Yet I feel I’m growing flabby,
And I can’t tell why –
No I can’t – not I.
I’m growing quite blanc-mangeical, and can’t tell why.
BAB : I’m just a little dolly,
With an uneventful history,
They tell me love is jolly
But to me it’s still a mystery.
I love my playthings dearly,
And my dolls and apple pie,
But I’m feeling, oh, so queerly,
And I can’t tell why –
No I can’t – not I.
I’m growing quite gutta-perchical, and can’t tell why.
PROCTOR :
I fancy that this weakness
May seem to you undignified.
BAB :
Ah me, these words of meekness,
Now tell me what they signified?
BOTH. Your love can hide no longer,
It beckons from your eye;
We’re unquestionably stronger,
And we both know why.
Do you? So do I.
We are feeling dry-champagnified,
And both know why.
BAB : Oh, how nice-looking you are! You would look so pretty with this round your neck. (Puts her long boa round.) Now, it should come across your chest like that. (PROCTOR smiles indulgently). Then round like this, and fasten so. (Ties it behind the chair and fastens it. Then laughs and claps her hands.)
PROCTOR (struggling to rise) : What is this? What do you mean?
BAB : Oh, he mustn’t make a noise. (Puts a handkerchief round his mouth. PROCTOR glares horribly and frowns.) Ha! ha! ha! (Goes up stage calling “Tom!” PROCTOR gurgles. The BULLDOGS enter and stand one on each side of the arbour.)
GREG : There is no one in the arbour, Sim.
SIM : N – No. (PROCTOR gurgles.) I thought –
GREG : So did I. But it’s only an optical illusion, Sim.
SIM : So it is, Greg. I wonder where the Proctor is?
GREG : He is gathering flowers by the river’s brim.
BULLDOGS close arbour and retire.
Enter TOM :
TOM : Now, darling, are you ready?
BAB : My own! (They embrace.)
Enter JACK followed by JANE ANNIE.
JACK (aside) : I am sure she will choose me. Eh – ah – ho – what’s this?
BAB : Don’t you see?
JACK : I wish I didn’t. Haw!
BAB : Jane Annie, you promised to help me if I took Tom.
JANE ANNIE : And I shall.
JACK (aside) : That unpleasant girl again.
TOM : But what can you do?
JANE ANNIE : One of the letters I made Miss Sims write was to the livery stables, requesting that a carriage should be sent to the other side of the river at two o’clock today. It is there now.
TOM : Are you sure?
JANE ANNIE : Listen! (She whistles – an answering whistle is heard.) See, there it is! (A carriage is seen driving up.)
BAB : Let us cross at once.
JANE ANNIE signs to carriage to go on, and it goes out of sight.
CADDIE (entering) : You can’t get away. Ho! ho!
BAB : Why not?
CADDIE : Because I’ve locked the boat-house and hidden the key.
JACK : Good boy!
CADDIE : That’s a stimie for you.
TOM : Quick, the key!
CADDIE : Sha’n’t!
BAB : What’s to be done?
JANE ANNIE : Leave him to me. (Hypnotizes CADDIE.) Now give me the key.
CADDIE begins to undress.
JACK : What is he doing?
TOM : The key must be concealed about his person.
BAB : This is becoming improper.
TOM : Wait a moment. (To CADDIE.) Caddie, where is the key?
CADDIE whispers to him. TOM whistles and whispers to JACK, who rubs his hands gleefully.)
BAB : Tom, do something with him at once!
TOM (primly) : If Caddie will retire with me to some secluded spot for a few moments I shall return with the key.
Exeunt TOM and CADDIE.
BAB : Good-bye, Jane Annie, dear.
JANE ANNIE : But I am coming with you.
BAB : You?
JANE ANNIE : Yes, and so is Jack.
JACK : Not I.
JANE ANNIE : Silly boy, yes, you are. Tom is eloping with Bab, and you are eloping with me.
JACK : I’ll see you far enough first.
JANE ANNIE : Isn’t he shy?
TOM (entering) : The key!
BAB : Jane Annie proposes that she and Jack should come with us.
TOM : But the carriage will seat only two.
JANE ANNIE : Well, that won’t matter.
BAB : Won’t it? (JANE ANNIE chuckles.) Oh Tom! Jane Annie and I see no difficulty.
TIM : How? (He and JACK chuckle.) Do you agree?
JACK : If you will exchange girls. Haw!
TOM : Never!
BAB : Come, Tom.
JANE ANNIE : Come, Jack, and make it a foursome.
JACK : This girl terrifies me. I’ll bolt. (Exit.)
JANE ANNIE : Come back. (To TOM) Don’t go without us. (Exit.)
BAB : Now let us fly at once.
TOM : Would it not be a little shabby?
BAB : Not in the least.
Bell begins to toll.
BAB : We are betrayed.
TOM : It is Jack – the villain – I see him.
BAB : Quick, we have time yet.
They are going to the boat-house. CADDIE appears.
CADDIE : Back! (They run L. Enter MISS SIMS, L.)
MISS SIMS : Back! (They run R. Enter JACK, R.)
JACK : Back!
The GIRLS, STUDENTS, and OFFICERS rush on.
MISS SIMS : Seize them! (JACK seizes TOM, and CADDIE seizes BAB)
TOM : Infamous!
JANE ANNIE : It isn’t his hole yet! (Hypnotizes MISS SIMS.)
BAB : She is hypnotized!
ALL : Oh, wonderful!
JANE ANNIE : Now, see what I shall make her do.
SEXTET. – JANE ANNIE, MISS SIMS, BAB, PROCTOR, JACK, and TOM :
JANE ANNIE :
You’re now a sentimental maid,
The little god caressing,
Dear mistress, we can’t have it said
We went without your blessing.
JANE ANNIE, BAB, TOM, and JACK kneel, JANE ANNIE forcing JACK to do so.
QUARTET :
We’re kneeling, sentimental maid,
A-waiting for your blessing.
ALL :
We hear with wonder what they’ve said,
But will she give her blessing?
MISS SIMS :
I’m now a sentimental thing,
And hear with pride and joy,
The news, which you two darlings bring,
That each has found a boy.
Elope, my dears? Why, certainly,
‘Tis every schoolgirl’s mission,
And tell your parents you had my
Approval and permission.
ALL :
Their conduct’s praised, we are amazed,
Miss Sims doth sympathize.
Now let us sing of this wonderful thing,
With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!
PROCTOR rushes in from arbour with seat tied to him.
PROCTOR : Stop! Though this Bab has used me ill-
BAB : Oh, how I wish I’d shot him!
PROCTOR : My triumph’s coming now –
TOM : Stand still!
STUDENTS get Kodaks ready.
PROCTOR : Eh, what?
TOM : All ready? (Click.) Got him.
JANE ANNIE hypnotizes PROCTOR.
JANE ANNIE :
You’re now a somewhat soft old boy,
Whate’er the consequences,
Be yours the privilege and joy
To pay all our expenses.
QUARTET :
We’re kneeling, somewhat soft old boy,
Requesting our expenses.
ALL :
Now is he such a soft old boy
That he’ll pay their expenses?
PROCTOR :
I’m now a very soft old boy, (Hear, hear.)
Elopements are my passion,
So with delight without alloy
I’ll help you in this fashion.
It’s sometimes said that gold’s a curse. (No, no!)
And love the only candy,
But, Tom, to you I give my purse –
I think you’ll find it handy. (Cheers.)
ALL :
Tho’ love is honey, they’ve taken the money,
And he doth sympathize;
With this strange thing, his college will ring,
With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!
Dance. TOM and BAB go in boat.
JANE ANNIE (to MISS SIMS) : Now go and be a tea-pot. (To PROCTOR). And you are an escape of gas.
JACK : I wish I was well out of this.
JANE ANNIE : Come, Jack.
JACK : I refuse.
JANE ANNIE (hypnotizes him) : You are my lover!
JACK : Darling! (He goes to boat.)
JANE ANNIE : I took that whole in two!
JANE ANNIE joins the others in boat. All wave handkerchiefs.
PROCTOR : Hyp-hyp-hyp-
CHORUS : -notize!
MISS SIMS : Another!
CHORUS : Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!
PROCTOR : One more!
CHORUS : Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!
JANE ANNIE (from boat) : Now, old things, wake up!
Exit boat. MISS SIMS and PROCTOR wake up.
BULLDOGS enter excitedly.
MISS SIMS : What is this?
PROCTOR : Who is in that boat?
MILLY : It’s Bab and Jane Annie going away to be married.
MISS SIMS : What?
CADDIE (rushing on) : I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! Man and boy I’ve been here eighteen months, and I never thought to see such goings on as this. I gives a month’s warning from to-day.
The carriage is seen crossing.
MILLY : The carriage! There they go!
FINALE.
MILLY : The moral of this story is- [38]
GIRLS : You mustn’t do this, you mustn’t do this;
MILLY : Or to express it still more pat-
GIRLS : You mustn’t do that, you mustn’t do that.
MISS SIMS : You’ve learned it now without a hitch-
MEN : We mustn’t do what, we mustn’t do which?
MISS SIMS : Well, you have learned it, have you not?
MEN : We mustn’t do which, we mustn’t do what?
PROCTOR :
The moral I will now explain,
Just wait while I expound it;
It teaches that we ne’er again
Should try to – oh, confound it!
I very much want to tell you all-
You’d like to hear about it-
But just this point I can’t recall,
So, though it’s most material,
You’d best go home without it.
ALL : You’d best go home without it.
THE END [39]
Jane Annie Comic Opera by James Matthew Barrie and Arthur Conan Doyle
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act I
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act II
Jane Annie Comic Opera Appendix
Notes by CADDIE
Return When the collaborators came to the school to hear about the Good Conduct Prize scandal, it was me as showed them round, and they asked me to do important notes on the margin. My first important note is that I am a principal, which is more than a lot of the girls are. Yah! – Caddie.
Return I took it to my bedroom, which was beneath the kitchen table, and it went on striking all night, and I couldn’t get no sleep till I turned it out into the garden.
Return If I had been Bab I would have had the paper out in a jiffy.
Return They used to put nettles in Jane Annie’s bed.
Return Jane Annie had never got a prize in her life, and she knew this was her only chance.
Return I once caught Bab slipping a rose into Jack’s hand when on the way to church, and she wickedly gave me sixpence not to tell.
Return Miss Sims was the kind of mistress as is always making you turn out your pockets.
Return If I had been there I would have seen through Bab, but I was in the kitchen at the time cleaning the knives.
Return She knew I had took away the works. She’s always prying about. Cook wants to write an important note here, but I won’t let her, for she is not even in the chorus. One of the collaborators (the good one) was willing to give her a line, but the other wouldn’t hear of it.
Return Sim was done by one of the collaborators and Greg by the other one, and that is why they always clashed.
Return The girls’ boots was a regular study. Bab was always stealing the laces out of the other boots to put into her own. Polly Littlejohn was the carelessest girl, and used bits of string for laces. Jenny’s heels were in the middle of her boots, to give her a small foot. Jane Annie’s size was threes, and I could put her shoes into Mary Finch’s shoes, and Mary Finch’s into Kate Arnold’s. This used to rile Kate Arnold.
Return Tom fell into the water-butt, and I saw him from the kitchen window, and helped him out for twopence.
Return His nickname now is “Ten Past Nine,” and they do say he wakes up at that hour every morning, and puts his watch on a bit.
Return The Press Students had been following the Proctor to get copy out of him; and that is how they were near enough to hear Jane Annie screaming. They couldn’t have got in if the Proctor had not forgotten to shut the door.
Return Rubbidge! They put on their Sunday dressing jackets so to look their best. That was why the Press Students were in before them.
Return Greg and Sim has a bet that the critics will quote the third and fourth line here, and say that they apply to the opera.
Return Though they never got the story out of him, they drew a picture of him dancing, and he saw it in a newspaper next day.
Return It was no more a Henry Clay than I am. It was the kind that you get at seven for a shilling.
Return I let them come back afterwards because they promised to put my portrait in the papers, but they broke their word.
Return The reason Miss Sims was such a long time away was that she was rubbing the price off the book with a bit of bread.
Return The collaborators bring the curtain down here, but a lot took place after that; and what with the Press Students wanting to interview Jane Annie, and the girls cackling about whether Jane Annie would really misbehave next day, and the Proctor going about muttering “Ten past nine,” I didn’t get to bed till nearly midnight.
Return Mine is a very difficult part, and what I want the critics to say about it is that it would be nothing in less experienced hands.
Return Her name was Sarah Jane, and she could so an apple at two bites. She hadn’t nice manners.
Return They do say as there is to be a question asked about this in the House of Commons.
Return I can swear that all this is true, for I took the letters.
Return I have done the eighteen holes in ninety-two when no one was marking. The approach to the tenth hole is through thickly wooded country, and there are some nasty bunkers.
Return Seventeen! I often did it in five.
Return Milly often lay awake all night, I have heard her say, thinking out puzzles like this.
Return Missus was the last one I would have took to be sentimental, but we all feels it at once time or another.
Return I was in the kitchen mending Jane Annie’s driver when they came to me. It was the last thing I ever did for Jane Annie.
Return This was early in the term. Jane Annie saw the crumbs in Rose’s bed and told Missus, and Rose had to write 1,200 lines of French, 100 for each tart.
Return He brought the letter with him and handed it to her, but it was such an awful one that Missus made the collaborators promise not to print it.
Return The band got five shillings between them from Missus to go away, but she had to pay extra for not taking the bull-pups.
Return Tom has wrote another play since then for the Independent Theatre. It is about a baby that was tired of life and committed suicide.
Return I had this catapult for bringing down the apples with.
Return I pretended to go to the house, but when Tom wasn’t looking I sneaked round to the boat-house and locked it and hid the key.
Return I don’t think Bab was so much in love as she pretended, she had always too good an “appetite.” You should have seen how she tucked into the cold beef.
Return They wouldn’t let me get a word in, or I would have shown that of course the moral is No more good-conduct prizes.
ReturnBab and Tom are living happily ever after now, but Jack and Jane Annie doesn’t hit it off very well. The Proctor said that those who didn’t know no better would think that he had been made a fool of, so he went to live in London, and married Missus and they keep high class lodgers, and Sim is their manservant, to the disgust of Greg, who is now a lecturer in the University Extension Scheme. I am page at No. 4 now, and the Seminary is to be let or sold.
Jane Annie Comic Opera by James Matthew Barrie and Arthur Conan Doyle
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act I
Jane Annie Comic Opera Act II
